The waiting is finally over. I can't honestly say I waited patiently, but I tried and I prayed. A lot! I was prepared for this moment. I was ready to be brave and courageous. At least as best as I could be.
Monday, February 15th, 2021. The day that forever changed how I think about things, how I react to things, and how I feel about things.
My appointment was at 2:15pm. I drove myself to the office and my husband was able to leave work a little early and met me there. Since we were still living in the Covid lockdown, we didn't think he would be allowed to go in with me, so he waited in his truck in the parking lot and I went inside and checked in. I sat down in the waiting room with a lump in my throat. As I was waiting, I saw another woman come in with her husband. I finally went to the front desk and asked if my husband was allowed to come into the appointment with me. They had to chat together for a moment and then they asked me what my appointment was for. I said "biopsy results" and the lady from the back said "yes, he can." I have a feeling she knew what kind of information I was going to be getting, so she gave the okay to bend the "patient only" rule. We sat down and they called us back fairly quickly. Today I was actually meeting with the nurse practitioner, in order to be seen sooner. It was my first time meeting her. I was sitting on the exam table and my husband in a chair to my left. The NP came into the room, introduced herself, washed her hands, grabbed a chart and then sat down on the exam table next to me. She began going over the results on the chart. Her voice was calm and steady. Not exactly warm and fuzzy, but precise and yet soft, in her own way. There were words I didn't understand, some I did and some that were highlighted. She started at the beginning, going over again what we already knew and what was done. Then....there it was. Highlighted in yellow the words I knew were coming. Well, actually, to be honest I didn't know "these" words were coming because it doesn't actually say "you have breast cancer."
But in front of my face, on a paper, highlighted in yellow, with the NP's finger pointing was
"Invasive Ductal Carcinoma"
She continued talking, but I wasn't listening. I was kind of blank and numb, but I quickly recovered. The sheet continued with possible treatment options, 1st being a lumpectomy, 2nd mastectomy, 3rd being radiation and/or chemo. This was generic form, not specific to me, so as she was explaining that they feel like this spot is small so #1 would probably be my best option, but treatment could include any possible combination. I immediately pointed to #2 Mastectomy and asked, "is that an option?" She looked a little surprised and said, "It can be, but I don't think that's necessary right now." I said, "how do I find out?" She assured me we had plenty of time to decide on a plan. The next thing I would need was an MRI to show exactly the size of what we were dealing with and to see if it was showing up anywhere else. She continued to explain timelines and processes but thank goodness my husband was there because I don't remember any of that. She finally gave me a hug, patted Phillip on the shoulder and left the room for us to process the news we'd just been given.
I took one look at him and the tears immediately started to fall. He said "well, that wasn't what we were hoping for, but at least we know." Like I've said before, he is the calmest, most patient and level-headed person I know. He stood up to hug me as I cried. He didn't say anything. He just held me and let me have my moment. I needed that. I didn't need "we will get through this" or "it's all going to be ok." I would need those things at some point, but right now I just needed to be in my feelings and find some way to accept that I was 40 years old and was just told "you have breast cancer."
So, what is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma?
Invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC), is the most common type of breast cancer. About 75% of all breast cancers are IDC, according to the American Cancer Society. Invasive means the cancer has spread into surrounding breast tissues. Ductal means the cancer started in the milk ducts, the tubes that carry milk from the lobules to the nipple. Carcinoma refers to any cancer that begins in the skin or other tissues that cover internal organs, such as breast tissue.
This information is provided by Breastcancer.org.
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We finally gathered ourselves together and made our way out of the office. We walked slowly and quietly to the cars and now I've just realized I have to drive myself home. All those friends that offered to drive me, why didn't I take one of them up on it? Phillip walked me to the car, asked if I was going to be ok, and then got in his truck to follow me home. At first I just sat there. Once I took a few deep breaths and said a little prayer "God, please give me peace" I started out. For the first few miles I drove in complete silence. I wasn't crying. I was just numb. Finally, I decided I needed to talk to someone. I called Judi. Judi is mom2. She was the first person I called because besides my husband, she is the 2nd most level-headed person I know. Her response would keep me calm. She would let me get out what I needed to and she wouldn't react emotionally. She may very well have reacted emotionally after we hung up, but while we were on the phone, she was logical, strong, supportive and just listened. I felt good when we hung up, so now I knew I had to call mom1. Why didn't I call her first? Well, I knew she would react emotionally. I'm not only her daughter, I'm also her 1st granddaughter. She's been through this. She knows what it's like to hear those words. She's going to be sad and scared for me and I knew I would cry. She was all those things, but she was also loving the way only a mom can be. The last call I made on the way home was to my best friend that had recently moved away. She kept up with my schedule better than I did, so she knew what time my appointment was and what time she thought it should be over. Heck, for all I know, she probably called the office to ask if it was over. Needless to say, she was waiting for my call. "Why did it take you so long?" "I just needed a minute." I not even sure I ever said the words to her. I think she just knew. I'm not usually crying and quiet when I call her, so she just knew. And she said the things a best friend should say to you when you've just been given news that changes your life. Do I remember exactly what those things were? Not really. I was alone in the car and basically on auto-pilot. But I do remember smiling and laughing as she could always make me do.
We got home. The kids were at a friend's house, so it was just us and the dogs. Dogs definitely know when something is wrong. They stayed by me while I just sat on the couch. Friends were beginning to text, since by this time it was a little after 4pm. I responded to a few and made more phone calls. I eventually had a routine down for what I was saying and I could get it out without crying. "It's invasive ductal carcinoma. Basically cancer that started in the milk ducts. I'll have an MRI and then I'll meet with the surgeon again to go over treatment options." While I was making calls, my girls, my tribe, my friends I couldn't live without were texting with Phillip. "What can we do?" "Do we need to come over?" "Do we need to get her out of the house?" He asked me what I felt like doing and part of me really just wanted to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend this was all a bad dream, but I knew that's probably what I shouldn't do right now. I was concerned about the kids. Once they got home, I didn't want them to see me upset. We weren't ready to tell them anything yet. I needed a plan first. They were still young and I just wanted to protect them for as long as possible. Phillip and my girls decided I needed to get out of the house, but thankfully not go too far. 2 of my friends live very close. Like walking distance close. So he took me over to my friend Michelle's. I walked into her kitchen and she was there with our friend Renee. They both just hugged me. I let myself fall into them and I cried harder than I had all day. Once I got that out, I said "ok, that's done. I'm done crying about it." So we decided the rest of the night would just be fun and laughter. My friend Terri showed up with a pink cake and Emily showed up with more candy and sweets. Phillip went to pick up the kids from Emily's after he dropped me off. I don't remember a ton about that night. I remember my dad calling. My dad is a man of few words unless you wanna talk sports or Jesus but hearing him be concerned for me was tough. I also remember talking to another one of my good friends that I don't see that often anymore. I remember begging her to get a mammogram, which I still don't think she's done? Kirsten Darby - I'm calling you out!
But what I do remember about that night is that these people showed up for me when I needed it most and little did I know, it was only the beginning of my breast cancer story.
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